SANTA CLAUS
Does he exist or not? How does he deliver presents to all children on Earth in one night? Do his reindeer really play games and have a leader with a red nose? Are his elves volunteers or actually child laboring slaves? Is Mrs. Claus complicit, an unwitting pawn or is she the secret mastermind of this whole affair?
All these questions and more will be answered by the end of this post!
First, what is his real name? Father Christmas? Saint Nicholas? Kris Kringle? Santa Claus? Gandalf? Is he in the witness protection program? Why so many names for one man?
Secondly, where does he live? In the mountains of Finland? The ambiguous "far north"? The North Pole? He must be in the witness protection program. His location is always changing!
Legends of the man known as Saint Nicholas date back to the 8th century while others take us up to the 13th century in Germany and to 17th century legends in Belgium and the Netherlands. All describe a man giving presents to children and the other variants of the story crop up through time as the legend grew - 8 reindeer, a sled, sliding through chimneys,etc....
Current intelligence places his location at the North Pole where he is residing, as he has the past century, under the guise "Santa Claus".
Radar confirmations through the U.S. government military agency NORAD, do seem to verify the existence and travels of "Santa Claus" on the 24th night of December every year. Radar indications of a large sled pulled by eight reindeer are also confirmed! So the legends, so far, seem true!
The reindeer games are speculative. The deer aren't talking to anyone. You know how loose lips sink ships. With this economy, even the disgruntled deer know not to make waves with "the big guy". Everybody wants to keep their job. We were able to confirm through a secret Elf source, that yes, Rudolph, the lead reindeer, does indeed have a bulbous red light as a nose "that is as cute as a button and more functional than Halogen lights in a hailstorm." Another Elf source was quoted as saying "They definitely play games." Well there you have it. Now do they let Rudolph play is the question.
Interviews with the Mrs. and the Elves are a little easier to come by. According to NPZ, the North Pole exclusive gossip rag, Mrs. Claus has gone on record, going so far as to say, "It's a shame that this controversy has to come up every year. Of course my husband exists, of course he delivers presents to all children on Earth in one night...His secret? Magic, of course! Anyone for some hot chocolate?" This leads us to believe that Mrs. Claus is an innocent yet complicit pawn that secretly masterminds the entire North Pole Operation of one such "Santa Claus".
The Elves? Well, they are befuddled as to how they could be confused with "slavery" and "forced labor camps". Hermie, the Head Elf and Chief Dentist of the North Pole Elves Association, recently tweeted that Elf Service contract negotiations with "Santa" are on going every summer and that this year, despite the economy, the Elves are promised a bonus and no more furlough days. Although salaries are frozen again this year, Hermie added, "Everything is frozen up here anyway." They couldn't be happier with the the way the contract talks turned out this year.
All these questions and more will be answered by the end of this post!
First, what is his real name? Father Christmas? Saint Nicholas? Kris Kringle? Santa Claus? Gandalf? Is he in the witness protection program? Why so many names for one man?
Secondly, where does he live? In the mountains of Finland? The ambiguous "far north"? The North Pole? He must be in the witness protection program. His location is always changing!
Legends of the man known as Saint Nicholas date back to the 8th century while others take us up to the 13th century in Germany and to 17th century legends in Belgium and the Netherlands. All describe a man giving presents to children and the other variants of the story crop up through time as the legend grew - 8 reindeer, a sled, sliding through chimneys,etc....
Current intelligence places his location at the North Pole where he is residing, as he has the past century, under the guise "Santa Claus".
Radar confirmations through the U.S. government military agency NORAD, do seem to verify the existence and travels of "Santa Claus" on the 24th night of December every year. Radar indications of a large sled pulled by eight reindeer are also confirmed! So the legends, so far, seem true!
The reindeer games are speculative. The deer aren't talking to anyone. You know how loose lips sink ships. With this economy, even the disgruntled deer know not to make waves with "the big guy". Everybody wants to keep their job. We were able to confirm through a secret Elf source, that yes, Rudolph, the lead reindeer, does indeed have a bulbous red light as a nose "that is as cute as a button and more functional than Halogen lights in a hailstorm." Another Elf source was quoted as saying "They definitely play games." Well there you have it. Now do they let Rudolph play is the question.
Interviews with the Mrs. and the Elves are a little easier to come by. According to NPZ, the North Pole exclusive gossip rag, Mrs. Claus has gone on record, going so far as to say, "It's a shame that this controversy has to come up every year. Of course my husband exists, of course he delivers presents to all children on Earth in one night...His secret? Magic, of course! Anyone for some hot chocolate?" This leads us to believe that Mrs. Claus is an innocent yet complicit pawn that secretly masterminds the entire North Pole Operation of one such "Santa Claus".
The Elves? Well, they are befuddled as to how they could be confused with "slavery" and "forced labor camps". Hermie, the Head Elf and Chief Dentist of the North Pole Elves Association, recently tweeted that Elf Service contract negotiations with "Santa" are on going every summer and that this year, despite the economy, the Elves are promised a bonus and no more furlough days. Although salaries are frozen again this year, Hermie added, "Everything is frozen up here anyway." They couldn't be happier with the the way the contract talks turned out this year.
As far as Santa's one-night delivery system, good and bad children's list and strange clothing style, we're told by "a source" that Santa has been on top of technology from the beginning and was "way ahead of Lotus notes" and "turbo charged fuel injected nitrous overdrives." One Elf close to Hermie's upper echelon camp bragged, "Twitter and Facebook have nothing on what we've got!"
We couldn't obtain a comment about the clothes so we went to The Fashion Master, Tim Gunn, and asked his opinion. All he could say was that Mrs. Claus must have had to "make it work".
Well, for some, Santa will always be a conspiracy. A made up commercial "Deity" for mass consumption and everything that is wrong with a materialistic society that has "lost its way".
For others he will always be real.
Why is it important to believe in Santa Claus?
Because Hope, Magic, Faith and Dreams are the things that bring out the best in us and what makes us better human beings. He represents Giving, Family and Selflessness. And that is a Good Thing.
Whats up with his left hand? It looks weird. Nice article!!
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