Tennis: On and Off the Court

On the court:
Novak Djokovic reached the Dubai Open final hoping to retain an ATP World Tour title. The finals are tomorrow...
Read more

UPDATE:
Today's match was rained out - Novak up 2-0. They will resume tomorrow.



Off the court:
Rafael Nadal + Shakira = SEX!

Number 5

Dick "Waterboarding Isn't Torture" Cheney successfully managed to stay alive during his Fifth Heart Attack.

Hey Dick, the other side is calling - Let go already.

The Pharaoh is Coming! The Pharaoh is Coming!

Dr. Zahi Hawass, the Last Great Pharaoh of Egypt, is gracing us with his presence on March 10 when he will arrive in Washington, DC. to retrieve *gasp* another stolen artifact.

A gorgeous 3,000 year old coffin was discovered by customs agents as it was being smuggled into Florida a few years ago. Why they've had it for so long, who knows? What we do know is that Dr. Hawass has successfully retrieved OVER 5,000 artifacts from foreign countries in only the past 8 years! This is his calling. Unless you have an artifact on loan from Egypt, it was probably "stolen" in colonial or earlier times and The Pharaoh wants it back.

We love this about him. Racist prick as he is, he LOVES LOVES LOVES his country with a passion, as we've said before, that would pale the Third Reich.

Despite rumours that Zahi himself WAS around during the colonial days, sadly it wasn't so and most of the artifacts from those days are sitting in museums around the world.

Advice to world museums, HIDE YOUR EGYPTIAN SHIT, give it back or face the Wrath of the Pharaoh Hawass!

UPDATE:

Although arriving in Washington on March 10th, Dr. Hawass, internationally known Egyptologist and Vice Minister of the Egyptian Supreme Council of Antiquities, will be lecturing in San Fransisco on March 8th. Get your tickets now for a measly $15 each. What a bargain to be in the same room as him!

"Many people make the mistake of thinking that dreams cannot come true, but they can. You have to believe, and know that they are more than just imagination."

— Zahi Hawass
Who knew how inspirational he could be? We wonder if he means the Jews too?

An Open Letter to the President of Toyota

Dear Mr. Aiko Toyoda,

Let me start succinctly and clearly to my point: FUCK YOU. People are fucking dead. People are are afraid to drive their fucking cars. People have been forced to go to Toyota service multiple times for fucking recalls and "fixes". People are hearing that you covered things up.

First it was 2009 cars, now it's EVERYTHING YOU MANUFACTURE, YOU FUCKING PRICK!

Somehow our monthly lease invoice makes its way into our mailbox and yet when communication is needed from the executive level over a potential LETHAL problem- NOTHING! Not a postcard. We heard that you bowed deeply on TV as some sort of apology. Well, Mr. Toyoda, we WORK for a living. We are not sitting around our TV sets waiting to get news on our cars from it. Anything you have to say should be in a LETTER sitting on my table. I am not going out of MY way to find you on youtube, sir.

Service at my dealership was always nice. Too nice. I'd get 6 follow-up calls to see if my oil change went okay. When it came time to recall my vehicle for safety reasons, I didn't get one call. Nada. Nothing. I got an orange postcard informing me my brakes were under recall. WTF? Accelerator, brakes, what's next? I heard the steering column veers uncontrollably in speeds over 60mph. Why don't you recall my entire fucking car, Mr. Toyoda? And while you're at it -RELEASE ME FROM MY LEASE OBLIGATIONS.

You and your company will be found in a court of law to be criminals and hopefully the courts will rule against you in the homicide of over 30 people and give those families the $100 million you saved on safety recalls.

Let's discuss your "Image Rehabilitation Campaign". How do you rehab the image of Money Worship and Greed So Vast and Deep you resorted to concealing the manufacturing defects of murderous vehicles? We can't think of a way. Especially with your army of legislative thugs which makes us vomit. NOTHING you can do will EVER be able to REHAB your IMAGE.

If you want me to keep my car you'll have to do more than bow. If you expect me to EVER AGAIN BUY OR LEASE ANOTHER TOYOTA I need a first class ticket to your corporate office and I expect you to bow to me in person and BEG for it you Greedy MOTHERFUCKER.

I hope you rot in prison like the guy who's out of control car killed people and got wrongly convicted of manslaughter for it.

That is all.

Signed,

(name withheld from post)

From The Omni Report:

Obviously our Editor-In-Chief drives a Toyota and is angry about the way they were treated. The Omni Report in no way distances themselves from this article and we stand by our post and our people, unlike malicious coporations such as the one mentioned above.

U.S.A.!!!

WOW! What a win! They are comparing it to the 1980 Miracle on Ice. We're not sure about that. 1980 was truly a miracle.

The US Men's Hockey team Walloped the Canadian Men's Hockey Team 5-3 (Yes, that qualifies as a wallop!)

As the Canadians sit stunned, shocked and horrified - America celebrates. Man, just when this country needed a pick-me-up here comes Men's Olympic Hockey again. Now, if only Herb was here to enjoy this.

Quarterfinals here we come!

MIRACLE ON ICE - 30 YEAR ANNIVERSARY

Do you believe in miracles? We do. The Olympic torch that year jogged right past our NJ house on the way to NY. Little did we know what was to come.

Today is the 30th anniversary of that game.

Run do not walk to get the 2001 DVD Documentary - Miracle on Ice. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll stand up and cheer all over again.

The Russians response to the Miracle claim? "You're damn right it was a miracle. They needed divine intervention to beat us." Still humble, huh, Vladislav Tretiak? It was that lack of humility that led to your downfall and you still don't get it, do you?

What a game!

Wiki article: Miracle on Ice

Andrew Koenig is Missing....

Andrew Koenig, 41

His family and friends need help in locating him.

From Walter's Site:

PLEASE COPY and RE-POST THE INFORMATION BELOW!!!:

"Andrew Koenig, the son of Star Trek actor Walter Koenig, is missing. The last time Andrew Koenig was seen was on Valentine's Day, February 14, 2010, in Vancouver, British Columbia. Andrew Koenig never boarded his flight back to the US, and he hasn't heard from since then.

He was last seen at a bakery in the Stanley Park area of Vancouver.

Andrew Koenig, 41, was working as a camera operator on the show "Never Not Funny" as well as doing improv in Los Angeles. Best known as "Boner" from "Growing Pains", Andrew also had a role in "Deep Space Nine", and is a talented actor director, editor and photographer as well as a passionate activist. In 2008, he was arrested at the Rose Bowl while protesting China's part in the genocide in the country of Burma.

This is a serious matter that has Koenig's friends and family gravely concerned. If you have seen him, emailed him or had any contact after the 14th or spent time with him during his stay in Vancouver please call Detective Raymond Payette of the Vancouver PD at 604-717-2534.

Please share this and send prayers and positive thoughts. If you wish to leave Walter a note, visit his site at: www.walterkoenigsite.com "


Walter Koenig is now almost 74 years old. He has a degree in psychology and has stated that Andrew was depressed at this time of the disappearance. His parents have also stated that drugs are not an issue with Andrew and they seem to have gone out of their way to provide a resume for him. We think this is to imply that this isn't some slacker guy without hope for a career and that this is a serious matter. We hope he's just chilling out somewhere and hasn't done anything irreversible....

Apolo 7

Congrats to the most awarded Winter Olympian in history -

Apolo Anton OhYES!

News link
NBC Olympics site


HOCKEY SHOWDOWN SUNDAY!

Russians vs. Czechs at 3 p.m. ET
Canada vs. USA rivalry at 7:30 p.m.
Finns vs. Swedes at midnight ET

In Mike's Words

Mike Rowe is one of our favorite people on Earth. We can't imagine anyone we rather have a beer summit with. Here is a great story about Captain Phil Harris that Mike put up on his website...

MikeRoweWorks.com

The Crew of the Cornelia Marie in happier times (Jake Harris, far left)

UPDATE:
Jake Harris, the youngest of the sons, was arrested last night for DUI after crashing his car. "Harris, 24, has been charged with driving under the influence, driving with a suspended license and a hit-and-run."

The Pharaoh Speaks

My scientific teams are all Egyptian. No infidels!

Dr. Zahi Hawass is having another day in the media sun enjoying the revelations revealed today about the death of the Pharaoh Tut. Today and tomorrow Dr. Hawass will be on a press junket to glorify all that is himself Egypt.

Pharaoh Hawass couldn't be any more proud of his Egyptian scientists. Of course, he wouldn't allow the samples to be fiddled with by inferior infidels hell bent on claiming Egypt for themselves. He insists that all things Egyptian be handled only by Egyptians. The Third Reich would be so proud of this kind of patriotism.

The test results on the body of King Tut are pretty fucked up. Unlike, Dr. Hawass, the Boy King Tut, led an apparently miserable existence. He had a club foot and all kinds of medical problems. He fell and broke his leg which contributed to his eventual death from malaria. The "discovery" kind of sucks, really.

Look at the beauty of his death mask. That is the image that has been with us. Not the shriveled disease infected mummy with the bad luck story. The gold mask with the onyx lined eyes gazing at us from the past...that's Pharaoh Tutankhamen.

WANTED!

Floyd Landis seconds before having the Tour trophy ripped from his hands

by a mob of blood thirsty anti-doping French laboratory workers.

We're pretty sure it's not a Wanted: Dead or Alive situation but man oh man is it a situation...

Former Tour De France Winner/Disgraced Dopist Floyd Landis has got himself into a heap of trouble...AGAIN.

Mr. Landis has an international arrest warrant out for him today, issued by his arch-enemy, The French, for supposedly hacking into an Anti-Doping Agency computer. Wha, Wha, What?

The Chatenay-Malabry laboratory is claiming to have been hacked all the way back in 2006 in a lame effort to discredit the anti-doping agency. For reasons undisclosed they have named Landis in a warrant for the crime issued just this morning.

This reads like The Running Man. How desperate was Floyd to clear his name? Is he insane? Considering all this went down years ago, was he somewhere eating toast this morning when he found out he's a wanted man?

Since the one-time elation of "winning" The Tour - Landis has had an incredible amount of super-bad luck. He lost the Tour title for doping, became a cycling pariah, was suspended from the sport, filed appeal litigation and lost, got divorced from his wife and his father in law committed suicide and now...this.

Wow. It sucks not to be Lance Armstrong.

Updates to follow...

Le Tourmalet

Octave Lapize memorial at the top of the Tourmalet

At almost 7,000 feet Col du Tourmalet is the highest road in the central Pyrenees Mountains of France. It is a fan favorite for The Tour and with all this snow - we can't wait!

It will be climbed twice during the 2010 Tour de France.

Death Track

This isn't good for Vancouver, all ready beset with one disaster after another - after all there's no snow for the winter Olympics. A major disaster in and of itself but nothing compared to the Luge track which sadly, terribly claimed a life today.

Nodar Kumaritashvili, 21, of Soviet Georgia was killed in a horrific crash today on a practice run. The accident is horrendous and difficult to watch (yes, it's on video). Our condolences go out to his entire family and teammates.

This is the 12th accident on the same track this month as Olympians converge on Vancouver for training runs. The mens Luge competition is scheduled to begin tomorrow but there's no way. No Way. As of now, the Georgian team is thinking of packing it up and heading home - a mere hours before Opening Ceremonies are due to begin. This is horrible for everyone involved. A Man Died. Georgia wants the entire event canceled. Can you blame them?

Athletes are super critical of this track, dubbed the fastest in the world, and which seems unnecessarily dangerous, using the athletes "like guinea pigs." There have been a dozen high speed crashes on the track as well as a new world speed record. It simply isn't safe. The pole that poor Nodar hit at 140km an hour was unpadded and his body bounced off it like a sack of flour.

Several of the crashes resulted in hospital visits and an athlete being knocked unconscious for a few minutes. 140km an hour is slow on this track and officials are looking into modifying tracks for the 2014 Olympics that are actually designed with safety in mind.

UPDATE:

The womens downhill ski event has been canceled due to RAIN and the mens event is also in jeopardy at this hour. Athletes are upset to say the least.

2010 Winter Olympics

Opening Ceremonies are tonight at 7:30 on NBC!

The Dragon Slayer and The Black Widow

Survivors: Heroes Vs. Villians

A Survivor Premiere Episode Recap:

This is going to be another awesome season of Survivor. The All Star seasons are fantastic because you know everyone going in. This year's cast is great on both sides of the Hero/Villain Survivor coin.

The contestants were choppered in, giving them a pampered entrance, as in other years they've had to read crude maps and hike or swim 9 miles to camp. As Jeff Probst assembled them, the villains grumbled that they really weren't villains - "What did we do?," wailed one anorexic contestant. To which, Jeff recited a litany of bad behavior. Seriously.. how great is Jeff?

Things got heated up super fast as Jeff launched them into their first reward challenge, wherein Stephanie almost immediately got her shoulder dislocated due to the roughhousing of the other contestants. It was mean. The boys loved it. Know what they loved more? On the second ladies round when Sugar got her top ripped off and promptly ran topless with her prize into the end zone turned and flipped the finger at the other girls. The boys really cheered on that run!

Sadly, Colby got owned by Coach who "frog rode him to the pad." Oh Boy. Coach is back. And speaking of the Dragon Slayer, he's smitten by original Survivor Villianess/Temptress/Black Widow Jerri Manthey who seems equally flirty. They actually would make a cute couple. Plus, seeing Jerri suck the life out of Coach would be fun. It's a Bad Romance...Haha. The Bad Bromance..? That's Coach (again) and Boston Rob who had some of the best lines of the night. Typical, BR, "Our women are clearly stronger than theirs." What a riot. He's probably right, though. After all, Stefanie ripped her arm out of it's socket and tried to decline medical afraid she'd get booted.

The second challenge, immunity, was ridiculous. Swim here, assemble this, light this on fire...it was all of the challenges mashed together and proved Chirie knows shit about solving a puzzle. She had a ten minute lead and BLEW IT. And somehow, Sugar is to blame and is the first Survivor to get voted off.

Russell is back and this is his chance to prove that he is the greatest Survivor contestant ever. He also had some great lines last night, although he is trying to keep low key for now.

J.T. needs to be subtitled. We can't understand a damn thing he says.

Poor, Rupert has no clue how to start a fire and almost wasted all the flint. It was sad. On the other hand, Boston Rob was wondering why no one on his tribe wanted to do anything as far as survival. They didn't feel like building a fire, or a shelter. So he started a fire by himself the old fashioned boy scout way...rubbing sticks together.

It was a good episode and a great preview of what's to come this season...

R.I.P Captain Phil Harris

Captain Phil Harris passed away yesterday from complications of the stroke he suffered last week.

Statement from Discovery - Discovery mourns the loss of dear friend and colleague Captain Phil Harris. He was more than someone on our television screen. Phil was a devoted father and loyal friend to all who knew him. We will miss his straightforward honesty, wicked sense of humor and enormous heart. We share our tremendous sadness over this loss with the millions of viewers who followed Phil’s every move. We send our thoughts and prayers to Phil’s sons Josh and Jake and the Cornelia Marie crew.

Sig Hansen, captain of the Northwestern, says this on his website "Phil Harris was called home and will forever be remembered."

The Time Bandit, of Hillstrand Family fame, posted this message online: "Our thoughts and prayers go out to Phil Harris. May God bless and care for Phil and his family."

The Fisherman's Prayer:
God grant that I may live to fish,
until my dying day,
And when it comes to my last cast,
I then most humbly pray,
When in the Lord's safe landing net,
I'm peacefully asleep,
That in his mercy I be judged,
As big enough to keep.

Update:

There is a makeshift memorial at the Seattle Fisherman's wharf for Cap't. Phil. Funeral plans have not been disclosed yet.

Snow Day

We're snowed in.
Here are a few other sites to enjoy:

Bored.com
cracked.com
reddit.com
ListVerse.com
TotallyLooksLike.com

Thar Be Whale Wars, Captain!

The Steve Irwin exchanges water cannon fire with
a Japanese whaler, February 6, 2010.

Saving the whales is a dangerous job. KUDOS to the Sea Shepard's!! They may be calling you terrorists now, but in the years to come you'll be recognized as the heroes you are. BOO HISS to the Australian Royal Navy who does NOTHING to keep the Japanese ships out of their waters. The Nisshin Maru runs rampant, doing anything it wants, including opening fire on anti-whaling ships.

Yesterday, the Maru was surprised as shit. You see, when they opened their water canons on the Bob Barker, the Steve Irwin fired back with BIGGER and BETTER water canons, making the Japanese whalers run for cover on their own decks! HA! Both ships, the Bob Barker and the Steve Irwin confronted the whalers this past weekend.

"It does not matter where they go, east or west along the Antarctic Coast," said Steve Irwin 1st Officer Locky MacLean. "We intend to stick to their rear like glue and we will not allow a single whale to be loaded onto the decks of that foul floating abattoir."

Fucking A, dude. Go for it! In 2009-2010 over 300 whales were killed by Japanese whalers. How many more do they "need for research."???

Please donate to this wonderful, kick-ass conservation society:
SeaShepard.org



Dalai Lama - 1998 Letter of Support

for the Sea Shepards.

Who Dat Winning Superbowls?

When the Saints Go Marching Into the EndZone great things happen!
Congrats to Drew Brees and The New Orleans Saints!
This is going to be the Best. Mardi. Gras. Ever!

Aints vs. Dolts

Self-described teams New Orleans Aints and the Indianapolis Dolts go head-to-head today in the Superbowl.

Both teams had an awesome season and the nicknames end now. This Superbowl should be a great game.

Who Dat?

R.I.P. Francis Reid

"Alice and Tom Horton" together again in TV heaven...

The Days of her life are sadly over and Salem will never be the same. Francis Reid, aka, Alice Horton long-time Matriarch of the Horton clan, died yesterday at 95 years young. She joins her tv hubby MacDonald Carrey who passed away in 1994. The two starred on daytime's 3rd longest running soap - Days of Our Lives - which debuted in 1965.

February 2, 2010

What a day! There is breaking news all over the place!

1) The Groundhog DID see his shadow. Prepare accordingly for another 6 weeks of winter.

2) Oscars Noms are out! Viggo Mortensen is shut out for his awesome work in The Road. SUCKO ACADEMY! Besides that - UP, the animated Disney movie, is nominated for Best Animated Pic AND Best Picture, a historic move on part of the Academy.

Breakdown:

Avatar and The Hurt Locker have 9 noms each. Get this - James Cameron, director of Avatar and Kathryn Bigelow, director of Hurt Locker used to be MARRIED! What a showdown! We hope Bigelow wins 'cause Cameron's such an egotistical prick as it is.

1. Best Picture: "Avatar," "The Blind Side," "District 9," "An Education," "The Hurt Locker," "Inglourious Basterds," "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire," "A Serious Man," "Up," "Up in the Air."

2. Actor: Jeff Bridges, "Crazy Heart"; George Clooney, "Up in the Air"; Colin Firth, "A Single Man"; Morgan Freeman, "Invictus"; Jeremy Renner, "The Hurt Locker."

3. Actress: Sandra Bullock, "The Blind Side"; Helen Mirren, "The Last Station"; Carey Mulligan, "An Education"; Gabourey Sidibe, "Precious: Based on the Novel `Push' by Sapphire"; Meryl Streep, "Julie & Julia."

4. Supporting Actor: Matt Damon, "Invictus"; Woody Harrelson, "The Messenger"; Christopher Plummer, "The Last Station"; Stanley Tucci, "The Lovely Bones"; Christoph Waltz, "Inglourious Basterds."

5. Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz, "Nine"; Vera Farmiga, "Up in the Air"; Maggie Gyllenhaal, "Crazy Heart"; Anna Kendrick, "Up in the Air"; Mo'Nique, "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire."

6. Directing: James Cameron, "Avatar"; Kathryn Bigelow, "The Hurt Locker"; Quentin Tarantino, "Inglourious Basterds"; Lee Daniels, "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire"; Jason Reitman, "Up in the Air."

For the complete list:
2010 Oscar Nominees

3) LOST IS BACK!!!!! Prepare for the final season that debuts tonight at 9 on ABC.
We are promised answers to all the mysteries of the island and we better get them. Producers have sworn that we WILL NOT get the Sopranos fade to black ending, or the Newhart/Dallas it was all a dream ending. Honestly, we better get a satisfactory wrap up to this or...or...else!

4) This was a few days ago and worth the mention - The 2010 MusiCares Person Of The Year is Neil Young! The tribute for him was held at the Los Angeles Convention Center last Friday night. Dozens of musicians and stars came out to honor the GREAT GREAT NEIL YOUNG.

"In what was a staggering display of star power and rock & roll might, dozens of music luminaries gathered on Friday night to celebrate Neil Young as MusiCares Person of the Year."

YAY! We can't think of anyone who deserves it more!

Rolling Stone article

The Rainbow Bridge

In Honor of Tetonka who would have been 18 today. We miss you more than you can imagine...

The Rainbow Bridge
inspired by a Norse legend

By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill,
Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.
Where the friends of man and woman do run,
When their time on earth is over and done.
For here, between this world and the next,
Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.
On this golden land, they wait and they play,
Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.
No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,
For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.
Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,
Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.
They romp through the grass, without even a care,
Until one day they start, and sniff at the air.
All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,
Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.
For just at that instant, their eyes have met;
Together again, both person and pet.
So they run to each other, these friends from long past,
The time of their parting is over at last.
The sadness they felt while they were apart,
Has turned into joy once more in each heart.
They embrace with a love that will last forever,
And then, side-by-side, they cross over… together.

© 1998 Steve and Diane Bodofsky. All Rights Reserved.

GET WELL SOON, Captain Phil!!

Josh, Phil and Jake Harris

Fans of the Deadliest Catch Discovery Channel reality show are waking to the news that one of their favorite Captain's - Phil Harris of the Cornelia Marie - has suffered an intense stroke and has been placed into a medically induced coma.

While unloading the catch at tiny, remote St. Paul island deep in the Bering Sea, Phil stroked out and had to be flown to Anchorage for emergency surgery. The surgery lasted over 12 hours and they had to put him in a coma to reduce swelling on the brain.

His kids, Jake and Josh are on site with him and updates should be coming out later today. In the meantime they have released this statement:
Josh and Jake Harris thank everyone for their heartfelt thought and prayers. The 'Deadliest Catch' community has always been more like family than just fans, and Discovery Channel joins the Harris boys in thanking everyone for their wishes of support. Captain Phil is resting comfortably and is in the care of excellent doctors and nurses. We will update everyone on his progress as best we can.

We wish him well and urge him and all those guys up there to STOP SMOKING! It might not be the root cause, but it sure as hell doesn't help.

Cornelia Maria.com

Sweet 16

Roger Federer won the Australian Open Sunday beating Andy "I'm another choke artist" Murray. What is it with the Andy's? Anyway, Roger is now officially the "Best Men's Tennis Player to have Ever Graced the Court." With his 16th Grand Slam title under his belt, Roger celebrated all night with family and friends. Look for Federer to sweep all four Slams this year.

Here's the deal - Roger is a great guy off the court. Generous and funny, people love him. Who else drops a grand on pizza parties for the ball kids? On the court - we feel he's ruined tennis finals for years. Finals with Roger (with very few exceptions) are so lop-sided that its not FUN to watch. The matches leading up the finals are fantastic 5 set barnburners that make the sport fun, exciting, awesome and the reason why we LOVE LOVE LOVE tennis. Watching Roger sweep every final in 3 sets sucks. It just does.

Poor Andy Murray. He had to cut his 2nd place speech short when he was overcome with tears apologizing to all of the U.K. for losing. Memorable quote "I can cry like Roger, I just can't play like him". AWWW... He was then comforted by Federer and the look on Andy's face said it all. SHUT UP, ROGER!

Serena Williams won again. Her 12th Grand Slam. She is on course to becoming the greatest women's tennis player of all time. It's a shame really that she has such an asshole personality. We don't even care that she opened schools for disadvantaged kids because it comes off as insincere and a PR gimmick. "Hello - Serena - Oprah did that already." We totally can't stand her. We're sad she's tied Billie Jean King's record of 12 slams and will cry when she beats Martina Navratilova's record of 18 Grand Slam titles. We just LOVE Martina and Billie Jean!

Here's the Best and Worst of the Aussie Open - A great ESPN article.