Egypt Update: This Just In...

From Roy Rivenburg (who ever the hell he is):

King Tut Returns From World
Tour to Lead Egypt Out of Crisis

Egypt's former boy king, Tutankhamen, returned to Cairo today to seize power from President Mubarak.

"If Jerry Brown can resume being governor of California after a 30-year absence, I can reclaim my throne after 3,350 years," the pharaoh said.

In a hieroglyphic text message sent to protest leaders, Tut promised to rescue Egypt's finances by selling off his treasures, which include a gilded bed, mummified internal organs and a condo made of stone-uh.

Tut canceled his long-running world tour after Mubarak's hold on power began to crumble.

Despite Tut's age, experts said he was "remarkably well-preserved" and qualified to lead Egypt out of the 20th century and into the 35th century B.C., which would align the nation with several other Arab regimes.

Copyright 2011 by Roy Rivenburg
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And from Andy Borowitz this gem:

WikiLeaks Reveals Details of Mubarak's Severance Package

According to the documents made available by WikiLeaks, upon leaving office Mr. Mubarak will receive $40 billion but will not be allowed to serve as dictator of another country for six months.

Additionally, once he departs Egypt Mr. Mubarak will be transferred immediately to the Pyramid on the Vegas strip.