"An Alliance Based on Lies"

Coach Benjamin "Dragon Slayer" Wade...
Need a Confucius quote? He's your guy.
Credit: CBS/Robert Voets/Landov

"An Alliance Based on Lies", says Coach, clearly hurting over losing Boston Rob. He was angry and wanted Jeri to know it. Coach's fear, rightly so, is that the team without Rob is too weak to win anything.

For the reward challenge, the clue alluded to something..maybe a merge, so the Villain tribe packed up their entire camp and took it with them. And promptly lost the challenge. And no Merge! They were completely fucked.

To make it worse, it was a bowling challenge a child could've won and the reward was pizza. Glorious heavenly pizza. Plain, toppings, breadsticks, bread, brownies! and beer. Ice. Cold. Beer.

J.T. found the Immunity Idol and promptly told EVERYONE on the island. Being Heroes, they were happy for him and did not try to beg, borrow or steal it. We don't get it either. Amanda lets her girls parts hang out as she is almost naked. The thing impersonating a bikini bottom is smaller than a bandaid. What a skank.

On the Villain's tribe, Courtney is a skeleton and it's fucking gross. Seriously, remember those horrific picture of WWII concentration camp victims? They are fat compared to Skelegirl. We CANNOT believe they let her stay.

Sandra, most likely the least favorite Survivor ever, got one on Russell BIGTIME. All she had to do was feed him a line about Coach double-crossing Russell and Russell ate it up like...well...whatever Travelocity Gnomes eat.

It was total bullshit and he bought the whole farm of it. Way to play the game, Sandra. Tables have turned.

At the Immunity challenge, Russell and Sandra were paired together and Russell had to drag her ass through the quagmire of mud to no avail. That pair lost when Sandra got stuck under a barricade. HA! It was Coach's worst fear realized. The Villains' will NEVER win without Rob.

Rupert diving under barricades loaded his beard with mud and looked like Davy Jones from the Pirates of the Caribbean movie. It was would have been funny as hell, had the race not been a barnburner with Coach just beating him out at the finish line.

Villain lose anyway. Poor Jeri needs a meal. She's completely out of it.

However, the mud revitalized The Dragon Slayer. He said he "feels strong again" and immediately resumed his Tai Chi at the beach. All seemed right. But major lies were brewing at the Villains camp.

At Tribal, for one, Jeff called Parvati, Poverty again. She must be from the sluts...wait..slums! Ha! Secondly, Probst is an icon. The Survivors speak to him like they are at a job interview. Jeff is The Boss.

9th person voted out of Survivor and the first person on the jury is: COACH!

NO!! WE WERE BLINDSIDED. NO WAY!

The Villain tribe is officially a bunch of fucking idiots and Russell screwed himself so phenomenally it will take a host of miracles to bail him out of this one. He doesn't have the numbers now.

Dear Russell,
Coach would have allied, man. The Coach abides. Now Sandra Snakeoil Salesman has your ballsack in her cold icy grip. You're fucked!

Will Russell rise like the wild card he is and make it? Find the Idol? Merge? STAY TUNED!!

Rupert Boneham, aka Hagrid, after the mud challenge

From Jeff's EW PopWatch Blog:

"GOODBYE COACH
I won’t do a “goodbye Coach” tribute. You all know that I hated to see Coach go. From my vantage point, he’s one of the most fascinating people we’ve had on the show, but there is nothing to be done about it — he’s gone. My tissue box is still empty from last week’s dismissal of Boston Rob so the tears will have to simply fall down my face and onto the floor..."
Jeff's Blog