Thursday, April 7, 2011

SURVIVOR: God Wants Matt on Redemption Island

"I worship God."

Oh Boy, where do we start?

Matt, The Christian, won every single one of the Redemption Island Duels putting him back in the game after The Merge. Even with a cut foot, he survived the final challenge and made it back to both tribes, which then celebrated The Merge with the traditional Merge feast. Oh, and Secret Agent Phillip cued by Jeff Probst to say something when on and on and on about the Bushido Code again. Why, Phillip is the New Coach! He can be Secret Agent Coach.

The newly Merged tribe then named itself after Rob's Wife, Amber's, STUFFED ANIMAL COLLECTION. We have nothing to say on this. Nothing. Nada. LET IT GO. IT'S OFFICIALLY WIPED FROM OUR MEMORY BANKS. Ugghh.

Matt, the long haired, blonde, blue eyed evangelical God worshipper, had TWO choices: 1) Stay and forge new alliances within the tribe that voted him out or 2) flip to the other tribe (strictly a metaphor, they are really one tribe now) and forge new alliances there.

What does Matt do? He decides to "honor God" and go on to be one of the stupidest players in the history of Survivor. And we all know, there have been some DUMB people and DUMBER moves and there have been some moves and people that were even dumber than that. Matt is in this last category. DUMBER THAN DUMBER THAN DUMB.

He's a nice guy, it's hard to hate him, but you can't respect him at all. He's a fucking idiot.

So, Matt and "his girlfriend" Andrea decide to blindside Boston Rob and take him out, "Because the Game respects Big Moves." Okay, we're down with that. At least he's trying. So the minute Andrea turns around to, we don't know - pee behind a bush? - Matt goes over to Rob and pours his heart out. We mean, SPILL HIS GUTS. He told Rob everything, even that he was going to blindside him - which kind of gives away the whole "blind" thing - but hey, Matt has GOD on his side and is trying to be "honest".


This isn't Church. It's not Camping Out for Honest People. What the hell, man!? Get your head out of your ass Bible!

At this point, there is a collective moan rising from every Survivor viewer in America the likes of which even old Obi Wan Kenobi hasn't heard or seen. And we know what happened to him when Alderaan blew up.

So Rob is pissed off. He can't believe the "audacity" or "the stupidity". He wants Matt put right back on Redemption Island, where he can continue to be a good Christian. But then Rob gets funny. He doesn't like the "Christian Coalition." In fact, Rob doesn't like when any group of people get together over anything...including "romantic comedies and Oreo cookies." Oh, Rob! You devil!

Andrea is pissed, too. Matt is her friend and the minute she stops to pee behind a bush?, Matt is throwing her, himself, the entire alliance under a bus. Even she can't believe how stupid Matt is. And she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer either.

The Immunity Challenge was an endurance feat, to stand on a log while balancing balls. Hearing Jeff say balls brought out our inner 8 year old and we giggled. Phillip Secret Agent Coach had immediate problems balancing on the log but ended up doing okay. Mike, labeled as Iraqi War Veteran, did great, but then...a fly landed on one of his balls. Again, we laughed like children. It kind of sucked though because it threw off his game and he lost to a girl. Women usually do really good on those endurance balance challenges. They're lighter, smaller and we think the boobs give them greater balance. We kid!

The Immunity necklace needs to be mentioned. IT'S KILLER. It's like an Aztec Golden thing and one of the better Immunity necklaces of all time.

So, the girl with the nice boobs wins it and it's on to the Tribal Council.

Enter everyone. Tribals after Merge have just so many people. Even Jeff commented on that. And we just have to say, it looked like Jeff was sitting a mile away from everyone. He was literally like a guy with a restraining order that had to sit at least 500 feet away from the players.

So, Boston Rob found a way to flush the Immunity Idol from "the other tribe" by getting them to think Mike the War Veteran was on the block. Ralph, the Sasquatch - we've never EVER seen anyone so damn hairy. He's just freakin' covered with it - offered up his Idol! Surprised everyone. Even Mike and especially us! First of all, who knew Ralph was a humanitarian or even liked Mike? And who would have ever thought he'd give up the Idol? Wow. And it was all for naught! Mike never even got a single vote.

Instead Grant "the Bod", the ex-NFL player, received alot and lo and behold! Matt got the lion's share and HAD TO GO BACK TO REDEMPTION ISLAND. It was actually sad. He looked so crestfallen, it was almost heartbreaking. Then we remembered how fucking stupid he is and how he wrote his own ticket. Then we weren't sad anymore and was instead like, "Duh! Not Winning! You Fucking Idiot!"

Matt had this to say: “I put my trust in God, and today God’s will was contradictory to what I wanted.”

Oh, Matt, you stupid, stupid sheep, the Tsunami wasn't what Japan wanted either. Sometimes, HE has other plans you know.

If you aren't watching Survivor, you are missing out on the best show on TV.

Next week: FOOD AUCTION!!

Jeff at

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

stupid f**k i ever seen